


I hate you, I love you

by CrossBladeWing



Series: Songfics (cuz why not?) [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Feels, Happy Pi Day, Happy White Day, Multi, One-Sided Love, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-05-26 20:47:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6255271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrossBladeWing/pseuds/CrossBladeWing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You were tired of watching him dance around her. </p><p>You were tired that he never saw you.</p><p>You were tired of putting on a smile for him, tired of pining for him when he'd never be yours...</p><p>Tonight would be the last.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I hate that I love you

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sorry.
> 
> Bittersweet love.
> 
> I do NOT own the song

It’s packed tonight, especially tonight of all nights.

It was New Year’s Eve. The monsters around you were drinking, talking, laughing-- You cast your eyes around the bar. Monsters of all sizes and shapes crowded around every table and barstool and leaned against the walls.

You looked at Papyrus, a tall skeleton in a long black jacket and white turtle-neck and black scarf--how he wasn’t war in that you never knew--he sipped at the drink he held in his right hand, the hand which had a hole through the palm. He had cracks on his skull, one going up above his right socket and one going down on his left socket. You wondered who convinced him, who usually didn’t like this “grease trap” as he put it, to come. He was sitting next to Alphys, a yellow dinosaur monster still in her trade-mark lab coat and her favorite Mew Mew Kissy Cutie sweater underneath, and Undyne, a blue scaled fish monster with red hair and one gold eye in her leather jacket, red sweater dress. 

Frisk, the only human child Allowed IN the bar in their blue and purple striped sweater, was here too, but they didn’t drink--for obvious reasons-- they just laughed at jokes and sipped their juice. Toriel and Asgore, the tall goat monster couple and former King and Queen if the Underground, were chatting with an old turtle--Gerson you think his name was?-- at another table with Doggo, still in his camo pants and tank top and mask, Dogamy and Dogaressa, both in there black hoodies.

You sat at the bar alone, a lone half-finished drink in your hand it was bittersweet, exactly how you requested. 

Grillby wasn’t behind the bar this time. He was curled up with his boyfriend, one W.D. Gaster...somewhere.

He’d already had to cut off most of the customers tonight and it wasn’t yet midnight. By this point you’d hoped you’d be talking with Sans, but you remembered...he was busy tonight.

Tonight was the night he’d finally grow a pair and confess to that pretty green-eyed, red-haired bombshell, sitting next to him in that booth, across her friends.

He’d been pining for since you’d met him.

He was a tall skeleton, black leather jacket with a fur-lined hood, he left his rib cage exposed, always tight jeans and black boots, a cigarette in his mouth. Like his brother, he had cracks in his skull, but unlike his brother, he had one hole in his left hand. He was bit of player, flirting openly with women and occasionally men, but he always kept a socket out for that one girl. And you were convinced from the first time you saw her that she wanted him just as much.

He just didn’t see it, but she was subtle about it and you were always the observer. She was subtle about it, though. She’d greet him with a sweet smile when he came to the bar. She’d always wear something just so subtly sexy, leaving nothing to the imagination and everything at the same time.  
You leave your drink at the bar and get up, twisting and curling around monsters and humans on your way to the piano.

“How about a song before I leave?” You say to no one, brushing your fingers along the keys.

You take a breath. Nothing left to lose.

All there was was you and the piano, no monsters, no noise...only silence. You began playing:

 _“~Feeling used_  
_But I'm_  
_Still missing you_  
_And I can't_  
_See the end of this_  
_Just wanna feel your kiss_  
_Against my lips_  
_And now all this time_  
_Is passing by_  
_But I still can't seem to tell you why_  
_It hurts me every time I see you_  
_Realize how much I need you~”_

Memories flash across your mind. 

Sans all but gushing to you about her--The longing looks he’d give her that you wished were directed towards you--the head pats he’d give you when you did well--Sans drinking himself into a drunken haze over her cuz she had a boyfriend--Sans giving you a kiss filled with smoke as a joke---You looked through the monsters blocking your view of where you’re sure Sans is. 

_“~I hate you I love you_  
_I hate that I love you_  
_Don't want to, but I can't put_  
_Nobody else above you_  
_I hate you I love you_  
_I hate that I want you_  
_You want her, you need her_  
_And I'll never be her~”_

You poured yourself into the keys and your voice.

 _“*I miss you when I can't sleep_  
_Or right after coffee_  
_Or right when I can't eat_  
_I miss you in my front seat_  
_Still got sand in my sweaters_  
_From nights we don't remember_  
_Do you miss me like I miss you?_  
_Fucked around and got attached to you_  
_Friends can break your heart too, and_  
_I'm always tired but never of you"_

This part was meant for a partner, but you sang it alone.

More memories come up. You lying awake in bed thinking about him--You’d tried coffee after staying at his place--you staying up with no sleep and no food during your sad-sorry night of self pity before this night--when he was so high he took you to the beach and dumped you in the ocean with him--

 _"*If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit_  
_I put this reel out, but you wouldn't bite that shit_  
_I type a text but then I nevermind that shit_  
_I got these feelings but you never mind that shit_  
_Oh oh, keep it on the low_  
_You're still in love with me but your friends don't know_  
_If u wanted me you would just say so_  
_And if I were you, I would never let me go..."_

You refused to let the tears fall as they prick your eyes. You could almost hear him singing these lines back to you. 

But he won’t and he never will...

 _"*I don't mean no harm_  
_I just miss you on my arm_  
_Wedding bells were just alarms_  
_Caution tape around my heart~"_

You tried to ignore the tightness in your chest.

 _"*You ever wonder what we could have been?_  
_You said you wouldn't and you fucking did_  
_Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix_  
_Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed*"_

Oh the irony...

 _"*Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing_  
_Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance_  
_I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing_  
_But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings_  
_When love and trust are gone..."_

You steel your determination. You had to get this out or you’d never let it go--never let HIM go.

 _"...I guess this is moving on_  
_Everyone I do right does me wrong_  
_So every lonely night, I sing this song*”_

You continue.

 _“~I hate you I love you_  
_I hate that I love you_  
_Don't want to, but I can't put_  
_Nobody else above you_  
_I hate you I love you_  
_I hate that I want you_  
_You want her, you need her_  
_And I'll never be her~”_

You look around at the couples. They’re holding each other close, ready for the countdown.

 _“All alone I watch you watch her_  
_Like she's the only girl you've ever seen_  
_You don't care you never did_  
_You don't give a **damn** about me"_

You put feeling in that line.

 _"Yeah all alone I watch you watch her_  
_She's the only thing you've ever seen_  
_How is it you never notice_  
_That you are slowly killing me”_

The countdown begins.

10...9...

 _“~I hate you I love you_  
_I hate that I love you_

8...7...

 _“Don't want to, but I can't put_  
_Nobody else above you”_

6...5...

 _“I hate you I love you_  
_I hate that I want you”_

4...3...

 _“You want her, you need her_  
_And I'll never be her...”_

2...1...

_**“HAPPY NEW YEAR~~~!!!!”** _

You stop and slip from the piano as your song ends and everyone is cheering and screaming and spilling drinks. 

You manage to slip past all of them and out into the street.

You give one last look towards Sans, kissing that scarlet-haired woman in his lap. Their first kiss of the New Year. You felt your heart break and your soul crack.

You turned away...and walked home alone.


	2. Epilogue: I'll never be her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Easter have some feels!

You left.

You were a coward. You weren’t strong. You were heart-broken, but as much as you’d miss them...if it meant seeing Sans and feeling the pain of your heart break and your soul shatter you’d rather run, so you did.

You had to get out of that town. It was too small. If you stuck around you’d make things awkward. Even if you moved to the city nearby, everyone would find a way to track you down.

It was a good--no...a something--thing you had been preparing to leave since Sans told you he’d be confessing to that girl.

You paid off your rent, packed your things, but a few essential things in a carry-on suitcase, and had your ticket in your bag for _______. You left just a few days after New Year’s.

You didn’t tell anyone. It’s been almost a week and you’ve been ignoring calls and texts from Papyrus, Undyne, Frisk, Toriel, Grillby, Gaster, Alphys, even Asgore. 

But you knew it’s a matter of time before one of them came looking for you. So you changed your number and your phone. You moved into a new place, one you hope they’ll never find. You’d already unpacked and settled in.

It didn’t matter that you spent your first few days in that new apartment crying your eyes out and listening to the goddamn song on repeat.

\- - - -

Sans was happy.

He had his girl, and they’d been hanging out quite a lot lately. When he asked the others if they wanted to hang out but...

Alphys had work--she was as nervous around her as she was with them as she was with most new humans.

Undyne was also busy with work--she got into training more than usual and she seemed to be pissed at him (again), but she was usually.

Toriel and Asgore were supportive, but Toriel seemed somewhat disappointed for a second before recovering. They also had political meeting to do with Frisk.

Frisk was quiet around Sans as well.

Even Papyrus said he had work but that they should have fun--he’d introduced his new girl to him at Grillby’s and Papyrus was polite, and Sans could tell something was up, but Papyrus had been acting as if nothing was wrong. He made spaghetti for her and everything and she was nice enough to him. But Sans couldn’t shake the feeling that Papyrus didn’t approve.

Well what did he care?...

He didn’t care. He was happy.

. . . 

He was happy until this moment.

All of his friends were surrounding him, each giving him either angry/disapproving looks or in Alphys and Asgore’s case slightly apologetic and sad looks.

“Uh...what’s up guys?...” He said somewhat nervously, taking a drag from his cigarette when Undyne just grabs it and chucks it away.

“Woah...rude you didn’t let me fin--” She socks him in the jaw.

“fu---what the HELL undyne?! sh*t ow!” He adjusts his mandible, she’d knocked it out of place.

“You absolute FUCKing ASShole Sans!!!” She yelled over him, Alphys held her back. And Papyrus knelt by his side. He felt Papyrus’s bony hand at his skull, his warm healing magic soothing the hit he took.

“the fuck did i do?” He said, anger seeping into his tone and his eye flashing golden yellow.

“Sans, - - - - - is gone.” Papyrus says in a low voice.

...what?

Then he realizes it’s almost been a week.

It’s been almost a week and Sans has not seen hide or hair of them since New Year’s.

They seemed fine up until New Year’s, joking with him, teasing him about it, hanging out with him and Pap, but when the night came they were uncharacteristically dismissive when he asked what was wrong.

_They had said, “It’s New Year’s Sans. The end of one year and the beginning of a new one. Let me reminisce a little.”_

_“about what?” He asked, taking a drag of his cigarette._

_“About...if you don’t get your bony butt in that booth with that sexy little ***** I will personally shove you over.” They’d said jerking their head towards something behind him._

They distracted him with the beautiful red-haired, green-eyed woman he’d been pining for.

_“Go get her man. Tibia honest I’m done watching you two dance around each other.” He casts a look at them over his shoulder and they just smiled at him._

That time...for a second he thinks he sees something dark and sad in their eyes, but they were just teasing him again...right?

“None of us have been able to contact them since New Year’s.” Toriel explained, she crossed her arms and glowered at him. “Do you know why?”

Sans was in for a bad time.

“uh...no?” He provided, but Toriel’s maternal anger was causing him to sweat a little.

Grillby’s fire crackled in annoyance--was it hot in here or was it him?--Nope. Definitely him. Grillby’s fire changed to a deep red around the edges and white and blue at his core. Alphys quickly snatched something from his clutches before it could melt. She fumbled with something she’d brought and left Asgore to hold Undyne, still screaming profanities.

Gaster made a bunch of angry cracks of static and noise, too garbled for Sans to understand, but he was sure Gaster was really mad as he was almost melting, but that might be due to Grillby’s fire--

Frisk came up to him and smacked him with a frying pan they’d pulled out of their inventory. Not enough to hurt, but they kept hitting him with it in feeble attempts.

“k-kid?...what are you doing?” The kid looked at him with such tearful eyes and Sans felt his soul clench. They dropped the pan and started sniffling into their arm.

Toriel picked them up. “There, there, my child. We’ll get you some nice cream after this is over and Frisk clung to her tightly, as she rubbed their back.

“can someone just tell me what the **** is goin’---” Alphys shoves a video player in his face. 

“W-watch.” She says. So he does.

It’s security footage from Grillby’s bar: of Them. Alphys fast forwards the tape to where they, all of them, got to the bar and ordered drinks, him and them going to the bar and the others to a table. She fast forwards it again to where he’s in the booth with the red-head and she and the others were at a nearby table and Asgore and Toriel at another booth with Gerson, but they were alone at the bar.

She fast forwards it again. They’re not drinking as everyone else at the bar just parties and drinks and screams. They’re all having a good time, except for them. They looked so sad.

She fast forwards it one last time and they finish their drink and mumble something to themselves, Sans can’t hear it over the noise. But they walked over to the piano and started playing, always facing one direction. Someone has isolated their voice. They’re singing a song.

 _“~Feeling used_  
_But I'm_  
_Still missing you_  
_And I can't_  
_See the end of this_  
_Just wanna feel your kiss_  
_Against my lips_  
_And now all this time_  
_Is passing by_  
_But I still can't seem to tell you why_  
_It hurts me every time I see you_  
_Realize how much I need you~”_

He’s gaping at the screen. You couldn’t be...Were you singing about **him**? The thought gave his soul a lurch.

Memories flash across his mind. 

Sans all but gushing to them about her--The music they’d played when they thought no one was listening--the head pats he’d give them the the beautiful smiles they’d give him--Sans drinking himself into a drunken haze over her cuz she had a boyfriend--Sans giving them a kiss filled with smoke as a joke and laughing at their red face as they coughed--them taking him out to their favorite spot to watch the stars--They looked through the monsters blocking their view of where Sans was.

 _“~I hate you I love you_  
_I hate that I love you_  
_Don't want to, but I can't put_  
_Nobody else above you_  
_I hate you I love you_  
_I hate that I want you_  
_You want her, you need her_  
_And I'll never be her~”_

Sans could almost feel the heartbreak in their voice. It made his soul clench painfully.

 _“*I miss you when I can't sleep_  
_Or right after coffee_  
_Or right when I can't eat_  
_I miss you in my front seat_  
_Still got sand in my sweaters_  
_From nights we don't remember_  
_Do you miss me like I miss you?_  
_Fucked around and got attached to you_  
_Friends can break your heart too, and_  
_I'm always tired but never of you_

This part was meant for a partner, but they sang it alone.

More memories come up.

Him staying up late to smoke and he’d give you a call, they’d always answered--When he woke up to them making him and Papyrus breakfast after staying the night hanging out--when he was so high he took them to the beach and dumped them in the ocean with him--when they’d let him hold them all though the night when he had terrible nightmares---

 _If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit_  
_I put this reel out, but you wouldn't bite that shit_  
_I type a text but then I nevermind that shit_  
_I got these feelings but you never mind that shit_  
_Oh oh, keep it on the low_  
_You're still in love with me but your friends don't know_  
_If u wanted me you would just say so_  
_And if I were you, I would never let me go_

They looked like they’d start crying and Sans felt himself mumbling the lyrics of the last few lines of the verse. 

_I don't mean no harm_  
_I just miss you on my arm_  
_Wedding bells were just alarms_  
_Caution tape around my heart_

He didn’t want to listen anymore, but he couldn’t move. He was caught in the sound of their voice and his sockets glued to them on the screen.

 _You ever wonder what we could have been?_  
_You said you wouldn't and you fucking did_  
_Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix_  
_Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed_

He almost laughed at the line, it was bitter.

 _Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing ___  
_Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance_  
_I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing_  
_But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings_  
_When love and trust are gone_

Sans winced.

 _I guess this is moving on_  
_Everyone I do right does me wrong_  
_So every lonely night, I sing this song*”_

Sans felt his soul tug painfully.

 _“~I hate you I love you_  
_I hate that I love you_  
_Don't want to, but I can't put_  
_Nobody else above you_  
_I hate you I love you_  
_I hate that I want you_  
_You want her, you need he_ r  
_And I'll never be her~”_

All the couples were cuddled close to each other and no one paid them any mind. That made Sans angry for some reason.

 _“All alone I watch you watch her_  
_Like she's the only girl you've ever seen_  
_You don't care you never did_  
_You don't give a **damn** about me_

Sans winces again.

 _Yeah all alone I watch you watch her_  
_She's the only thing you've ever seen_  
_How is it you never notice_  
_That you are slowly killing me”_

His jaw is open, gaping at you.

The countdown begins.

10...9...

_“~I hate you I love you  
I hate that I love you_

8...7...

_“Don't want to, but I can't put  
Nobody else above you”_

6...5...

_“I hate you I love you  
I hate that I want you”_

4...3...

_“You want her, you need her  
And I'll never be her...”_

2...1...

_**“HAPPY NEW YEAR~~~!!!!”** _

They quietly get up and slip past everyone in the bar and out the door, as Sans was kissing the red-head.

The video cuts off.

F U C K

Sans can’t deal with this right now. He teleports himself away from there.

He ends up in the best (worst?) possible place: their apartment.

It’s empty and dusty. No one’s been living here for at least a week--the same amount of time you’d been gone.

His phone is ringing, but he ignores it, going through the apartment for any trace of them anywhere. 

He finds none, until he looks at a piece of paper stuck to the table. It reads: **“Please don’t remove until new tenant has read it, Mr./Mrs. (landlord/landlady’s name)”.**

He flips over the piece of paper.

In their handwriting he reads:

_“Hello._

_You’re probably wondering why the previous tenant would leave you a note. We’re strangers, and you’d be correct, but I thought it’d be best to warn you.You see I had friends and I did not tell them I was leaving before I left so if you find monsters, yes MONSTERS, coming to your door. Just show them this message or if you’re a complete asshole and throw this away just tell them I’m not there._

_Now let me tell you who to expect,(If you’ve seen the news you should know who these people are)either...._

_1)the King and Queen of All monsters and most likely the Ambassador (as long as you’re polite you will be fine)_  
2) _their Captain of the Royal Guard, (do NOT make her mad)_  
3) _the Royal Scientists (one’s a really tall skeleton--do NOT mess with him, or either he, his brother or his father will literally blow you away--and the other a cute little yellow dragon monster--don’t mess her or the Captain will skewer you)_  
4) _The previous Royal Scientist, (he’ll look like a skeleton wearing black gooey clothes--Don’t ask why)_  
5) _The owner of Grillby’s, (he’s a fire monster--will burn you to ash)_  
6) _a lazy sentury skeleton. (he’s a bit of an asshole--will kill you if you mess with his brother)_

_If this message is found by any of them before you, hopefully they’ll just leave you alone and leave this message intact for you._

_-Previous Tenant before you_

_P.S.: Calm down and breathe you’ll be fine...probably. They’ll be mad at me more than you._

There were a lot of things crossed out and stained from water marks--tears?

Sans almost laughed, but he didn’t. He also almost felt like crying, but he didn’t.

He looks at his phone just as it starts buzzing again. It reads: “Sugar”. He shuts off his phone.

He needs a fucking smoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit:  
> this is the open-ending(?)
> 
> next is the continuation of it and possible happy/sad ending?...(or would you prefer something different?)
> 
> lemme know in the comments your thoughts and needs!


	3. End: Caution tape around my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *WARNING* messed up feels
> 
> SAD ENDING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst and pain and sadness; jagged uneven and uncomfortable
> 
> yup. *nods*

Another week passes. 

Sans is alone, finding other places to be besides Grillby’s or home--but he hasn’t been back since he found “Sugar” half-distraught about where he’d been to where he quickly just teleported away--  
So his escapes consisted of going to Mt. Ebbot, the beach caves and cliffs, or somewhat shady places(bars) around town...but somehow he always ended up at the empty apartment. 

Each time he did, he’d almost blast the whole places to bits or smashes his fist against the door, but he doesn’t. He can’t.

It’s quiet. Too quiet.

All the memories he had with you were there playing over and over again in his head--in that apartment, in those caves, on the mountain, at his house, at Grillby’s--He leaned his forehead against the door.

He thought back to one night he was just like this.

 _It was some night and he’d just had one of those stupid nightmares--he was half asleep but he just teleported right outside your door. It was the first times he ever inside of your apartment._

_He called them up._

_They answered after the third ring. “...Hullo?” Their voice was thick with sleep. He didn’t answer right away._

_“...Sans?...” He just listened to their voice._

_“--is this is a fucking joke Sans--”_

_“s’not.”_

_Then he almost stumbles forward and they wrap their hands under his arms to wrap their arms around his ribcage. ___

___He was frozen, but then they pull back and give him a sleepy smile and tug him into the apartment, closing the door behind him and then pulling him over to the couch. ____ _

_____They sat down and they all but tugged him down to the couch with his skull in their lap._ _ _ _ _

_____He was somewhat shocked. They pulled of his hood and patted his skull. He opened his mouth to say something, but they cut him off._ _ _ _ _

_____“Shut up Sans.” He clicked his jaw shut and they started rubbing their fingers into his temples and bringing their other hand up to give him a head-rub._ _ _ _ _

_____No other words were said, as their touch along his skull quickly lulled him to sleep._ _ _ _ _

____His soul clenched itself painfully._ _ _ _

____He could hear his fist strain against the wood of the door._ _ _ _

____Damn everything to **H E L L**._ _ _ _

____How could they just leave? Sure he never exactly noticed their--fucking shit that was no excuse._ _ _ _

____He didn’t want this. These feelings. The stupid guilt and pain. It was hard, unrelenting and unforgiving, clenching around his soul like a vice._ _ _ _

____He shouldn’t care, but he can’t even pretend not to._ _ _ _

____He has to find you. He needs to. He wants to._ _ _ _

____He feels his eyes glow that familiar golden-yellow as he takes a breath and a strained smile grows across his features._ _ _ _

____He pulls out his phone and turns it on._ _ _ _

____It immediately blows up with all the messages he’s missed._ _ _ _

____He pays them no mind as he answers a call from Papyrus._ _ _ _

____“SANS WHY THE FU--” “pap i’ll be gone for a little while.” he cuts his brother off._ _ _ _

____The line is silent. Then he hears a long exhausted sigh. “Sans...Just...Fine. Do What You Have To.”_ _ _ _

____He let’s out a small chuckle. “thanks pap.”_ _ _ _

____The call ends and he pockets it. He opens up a shortcut, time for the lazybones to get to work._ _ _ _

____\- - - -_ _ _ _

____It’s been several weeks--nearly a month._ _ _ _

____After the first couple of days of hauling up in your apartment crying your eyes out and ignoring the world, you threw yourself into moving into your new place. It was smaller than the other apartment, and it was meant for one maybe two people. There was a living room, a small kitchen, a bathroom, and one bedroom._ _ _ _

____You unpacked boxes, put away clothes, aired out your blankets and sheets on the railing of the small balcony, did some laundry in the machines in the laundromat around the corner, washed dishes, all on autopilot._ _ _ _

____You were emotionally burnt out--heh he would’ve liked--you stopped trying to think of him or any of them._ _ _ _

____It was your choice. You knew you were going to get hurt and you knew you might hurt them._ _ _ _

____Stop. You told yourself. It was over. You ended it yourself. Move on. Forget._ _ _ _

____So you did--or you tried to._ _ _ _

____You threw yourself out there, furiously worked yourself to get a job: a bookshop several blocks away needed someone for the afternoon/night shift and you jumped the chance for it. The lady who ran the store paid you generously and you always were diligent about your work: organizing books on the shelves, putting in new ones, displays, using the ladder for the shelves you couldn’t reach, hauling in new books, sweeping, dusting, working the register, etc. And you came home each day with different books you’d find._ _ _ _

____You needed a bookshelf at your place and that was your current goal. That along with staying out of your apartment as much as possible._ _ _ _

____When you weren’t at work, you were at the coffee shop or in a mall, somewhere with noise. You stayed away from libraries and the beach and bars._ _ _ _

____But despite all of that the song won’t leave your head. You catch yourself humming it or singing it under your breath without thinking._ _ _ _

____Like now._ _ _ _

_________I don’t mean no harm_  
_I just miss you on my arm_  
_Wedding bells were just alarms_  
_Caution tape around my heart_

____You’re on your couch, half-listening to the TV and half reading your book, but you hear yourself mutter the words. You close your book and set it aside, frowning._ _ _ _

____You also turn off the TV, which had changed to a weather report about an incoming thunderstorm._ _ _ _

____Then a knocking at your door. You snap your head towards it. Neighbors again? You sigh and get up and quietly walk towards the door._ _ _ _

____You peer through the peephole and freeze, eyes widening so much you can practically feel them drying out._ _ _ _

____The skeleton on the other side of the door is too familiar dark shadows under and in his sockets are deep and his black jacket is zipped up, and he’s pulled the hood over his skull._ _ _ _

____Sans is staring right into the peephole, sockets dark and his characteristic grin is sharp and strained. You back away just as you see his eyes flash golden-yellow._ _ _ _

____You don’t open the door. Your heart starts to pound loud enough that it echos in your ears._ _ _ _

_____How did he find you?!_ _ _ _ _

____You grip your arms tight, nails biting into your arms through your long-sleeved shirt. Hot tears are pricking your eyes and your heart is beating fast and hard. But despite the fear, the sorrow and the pain you’re also angry._ _ _ _

_____Why was he here?!_ _ _ _ _

____The wounds on your heart and soul ache, but a burning rage also surfaces. Your sorrow and pain turning to anger and frustration._ _ _ _

_____Why couldn’t he leave you alone?!_ _ _ _ _

____You hear the familiar tension and smell of smoke and leather and ozone in the air._ _ _ _

____Your body jerks up, like a string on a guitar pulled taut. You don’t turn around. Your body shakes and your hands turn to fists, hard against your stomach and arm._ _ _ _

____It’s only when you see two familiar skeletal hands try to wrap around you that you snap around and jerk away to the side, smacking one of his hands hard with your shoulder, but he grabs onto one of your arms with the same hand._ _ _ _

____He tugs you forward, his grip is hard around your forearm, hard enough to bruise and you can’t move, can’t bring yourself to look up past the zipper of his jacket._ _ _ _

____“hey buddy that wasn’t very nice.” his voice is still deep and raspy but you recognize his tone, he was trying to be intimidating and the “i’m-a-fucking-creepy-spooky-skeleton-fear-me” thing._ _ _ _

____You were intimidated sure but your fear was over-ridden with a burst of determination and anger. Sans grip faltered as you stood up straight and looked into his eyes, still glowing golden-yellow._ _ _ _

____“ **Fuck you Sans.** ” Finally you find your voice and it is SAVAGE. Your words and your emotions, everything is pouring out of you._ _ _ _

____“ **Fuck you AND your bitch! I don’t need this! I don’t need you! What the fuck do you want from me?! Why are you here and not with--** ”_ _ _ _

____“you--” “ **SHUT UP!** ” He jerked back at the force of your words. _ _ _ _

____“ **I’m so fucking DONE! I didn’t leave so you could come crawling back to me!! I’m only convenient for you, aren’t i? Your backup? The rebound?! You come to me when it suits you and then just drop me! FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU. Don’t bother explaining. I don’t give a shit anymore. I AM DONE.** ”_ _ _ _

____He’s into stunned silence. You’re breathing hard and your chest hurts and your eyes burn, but you glare at him hard. You jerk your arm away from him. There’s already a bruise forming, but you don’t care you just want him out._ _ _ _

____You turn away from him_ _ _ _

____\- - - -_ _ _ _

____He was so angry and scared and relieved and guilty, but all of that fell away to their pain: the heartbreak, the numbness, the sadness, the grief, the guilt, the frustration, the anger._ _ _ _

____He couldn’t say a word._ _ _ _

____They turned away from him but he’s already there right in front of them. He’s not smiling anymore, sockets dark again._ _ _ _

____Their soul is broken, it’s color more dull than he’s ever seen it. The sight and their words hurt his soul, stabbing at him like knives._ _ _ _

____“i’m sorry.” he says, before they can get another word out._ _ _ _

____“Oh yeah? Well sorry isn’t good enough.” they say, still glaring at him, hot angry tears pricking their eyes, but they refuse to let them fall._ _ _ _

____“i--” “I don’t want to hear it.” they bite back._ _ _ _

____“will you let me fucking talk?!” he asks them, his own anger and frustration coming out._ _ _ _

____“There’s nothing you can say to me.” they say. He’s stunned into silence at the dismissive tone of their words, the dead tone of their voice._ _ _ _

____“Just go home, Sans.”_ _ _ _

____“No.” he says defiant._ _ _ _

____They clench their fist and shake. “What the fuck do you still want from me?!”Another large crack in their soul, the color turns murky and dark._ _ _ _

____Their watery eyes pierce his soul further. “I _hate_ you.” they say, more small cracks._ _ _ _

____He locks into place, the pressure of their words like the sky against the earth. He can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t feel, but he vaguely sees them go around him to the door, but not after he hears the chilling grating of a sharp blade being pulled from it’s place in the kitchen._ _ _ _

____They stand at the door, knife in hand, holding it open._ _ _ _

____“ _ **G E T O U T.**_ ” They say, opening the door and pointing the kitchen knife at him._ _ _ _

____Their soul wavers, thick tears pouring down their face._ _ _ _

____He disappears._ _ _ _

____\- - - -_ _ _ _

____You slump to the floor and let go of the knife._ _ _ _

____You can’t take this anymore. It’s too much. All too much. Too soon. You’re falling apart, you’re breaking even more._ _ _ _

____It hurts. Make it stop._ _ _ _

____There’s darkness at the edge of your vision and you feel your soul start to break._ _ _ _

____So this is how you die._ _ _ _

____You can just see your damaged soul, cracked and broken._ _ _ _

____It cracks more as you watch it._ _ _ _

____Then it shatters._ _ _ _

____\- - - -_ _ _ _

____Sans presses a hand to his soul, pulsing hard in his ribcage, faces contorted into a sharp grimace._ _ _ _

____The rain pounding his form, the wind whipping his hood and flashes of lightning and the boom of thunder above._ _ _ _

____The lights go dark._ _ _ _

____But then he feels it, a brush of something pass by his face, gentle and soft, the familiar echo of shattering the feeling of dread and he instantly teleports back._ _ _ _

____And there they lay by the door, knife cast aside, and slumped to the floor, eyes open and unseeing._ _ _ _

____His mouth opens in a hoarse silent scream, as hot golden-tears fall from his skull._ _ _ _

____He’s drowned out by the storm._ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave me comments please.


	4. End: Never let me go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fluffy end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LIFE IS (insert word here)
> 
> I'm so terribly sorry for leaving this as it was, but here is the fluff and love i promised you.
> 
> also (._.) if you see this happy belated birthday and i owe you a drawing or a gift fic.

Sans stayed out on the balcony of the apartment, smoking--technically he just left it and let it burn itself out--and thinking. He slumped against the wall of and slid down to the cold concrete, chucking his cigarette away.

He ran a hand across his skull and then looked down at his hands. He stared at the holes through his palms. And the clouds rolled past and the moonlight shone down, as he looked up. A full moon, silver and bright, framed by stars and a midnight blue-black sky. He held one of his hands up to the moon and it fit perfectly in it.

_“Look Sans! Your palm is a perfect fit for the moon!” they said, holding his hand up to the full moon as they sat on the cliff overlooking the beach._

_They smiled wide and toothy, the moon giving them an almost otherworldly glow. He kept his lazy grin, but he felt warm on the inside._

_Their hand was warm against his cool bones. They idly traced the hole of his palm with a finger and he trembled at the sensation._

_“Oh sorry!” They blushed red._

_He chuckled. “S’fine.” He caught their hand and held it between them as they listened to the waves crash on the shore and the stars twinkle in the night sky._

FUCK. Why did he not fucking notice?! He was and still was an idiot. A fool. A completely Stupid. Thick-skulled. BONEHEAD. Dammit they were right there the whole time and he never saw it!

He slams his skull into his hands, clawing at his skull, if he had hair he’d be tearing it out by now. He dropped his hand and arms, folding them over the balcony railing and then resting his skull against his arms as the cloud rolled past an obscured the sky again.

His phone rang...again, but instead of Papyrus’s ringtone. 

It was “(insert insulting derogatory word of your choice here)”.

He’d gotten several calls and texts and voicemails from her, most of them in drunken escapades and she’s spouting nonsense like how she misses him or it’s of her getting fucked by some guy. Or others about how she still missed and loved him and “why wasn’t he answering”. 

Why was she still calling? He let out an exasperated sigh. She was the one who broke it off and if she didn’t he would’ve. He doesn’t care.She wasn’t important. Not anymore.

He has to find them. He can’t sleep anymore, can’t work, nothing. Memories of them plagued his waking hours and his dreams and nightmares.

He clutches his skull, feeling his eyes blaze with magic. Fuck he was doing it again, letting his own self-pity and depression get the best of him. He’s wasted time. So much time.

He can’t waste anymore of it, but first things first: He calls Papyrus.

He answers after one ring. **“SANS!!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW----”** Sans has to pull the phone away from his skull a good foot from himself but his skull rings with his brother’s volume. He hasn’t yelled at him like that in a long time. A smile comes back to his face at that despite the sweat at his skull from being scolded...for about half an hour.

 **“----WHEN YOU COME HOME!!!”** All he hears is heavy breathing on the other end.

“You done bro?” “I Am Done.” He sounds a bit winded. Heh.

“can i talk now pap?” “...Yes.”

“i won’t be home for a while.” Silence on the other end.

Then after several minutes of tense silence:“Sans?”

“yea?” 

“Promise Me You Will Come Home?” He barely hears his brother’s voice waver.

Papyrus knows how much he hates making promises, but if he’s asking--Sans feels another sharp pang of guilt.

“promise bro. i’ll be home soon.”

“Good Luck Brother.”

“thanks pap.”

He ends the call and pockets his phone. He opens a shortcut. Time for the lazybones to get to work. 

\- - - -

It’s been several weeks--nearly a month.

After the first couple of days of hauling up in your apartment crying your eyes out and ignoring the world, you threw yourself into moving into your new place. It was smaller than the other apartment, and it was meant for one maybe two people. There was a living room, a small kitchen, a bathroom, and one bedroom. 

You unpacked boxes, put away clothes, aired out your blankets and sheets on the railing of the small balcony, did some laundry in the machines in the laundromat around the corner, washed dishes, all on autopilot. It was a way for you to work out your emotions and redirect them elsewhere.

By the time you were done, you were emotionally burnt out--heh somehow the thought was funny. Your chest felt tight and heavy and a few new tears made their way down their cheeks and you wiped them away.

It was your choice. You knew you were going to get hurt--such an idiot...YOU KNEW it from the start and yet you let yourself be hurt. 

You were such a joke and the thoughts made you smile without warmth. A sad broken smile.

You took your time with finding work, taking things easy, trying to relax. You took in the sights of the city, but avoided places that reminded you of them or simply stood by them or outside. It earned you odd gazes from the people. 

You stood looking up at the glass and white walls of the library or sat in benches or the fountain in front of the library, looking at it and thinking of what kind of books you could read.

You stood and observed the pieces and supplies on display at the craft shop; yarns, fabrics, needles, beads, papers, paint, aprons. You thought of the things you could make.

You watched cooks in front of an Italian restaurant as they went about their work making pasta. They didn’t seem to mind, only giving you polite smiles as you watched them work.

You walked the parks smelling the flowers and dancing around the petals and leaves on the wind, occasionally taking them home to press into books or into frames to decorate the walls.

You sat for hours on end in coffee shops, listening to the chatter of people as you gazed out the windows. 

You stood on some cliffs that led down to a sandy beach.

Even as all that went on that song still played on. You catch yourself humming it or singing it under your breath without thinking.

Like now.

 _Oh oh keep it on the low_  
_You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know_  
_If you wanted me then just say so_  
_And if i were you, I would never let me go._

You catch yourself and stop, looking over the ocean atop of one of the cliffs. You watch the sunset for a little while.

Eventually, you turn around and start walking back along a sandy trail back to a road and houses through some trees and bushes.

You take special care to walk around anything in the path from twigs to plants and even the occasion pile of old poop.

Then you hear a loud CRACK behind you.

You look back and there’s a broken branch you’d stepped over about 20 feet behind you, but you were certain you stepped over that. There was this familiar feeling of static in the air and a familiar smell of cigarettes, ozone, leather, and chalk.

You slowly turn around and continue walking, trying to keep calm as you hear an almost silent POP and the careful footsteps of boots in the sand behind you.

He had found you. You were certain, but you wouldn’t turn around. You made it out of the trees and onto the street.

You tried to keep your breathing even throughout the whole thing, trying to keep yourself calm, to gather yourself, and almost failing due to your nerves.

Then you feel the brush of a hand against your arm and you just take off running, your lungs and legs burn and your heart pounds in your ears, your vision seems to shift, hazy around the edges as in your panic you’re just trying to get away. 

A figure seems to pop into existence in front of you occasionally but you pay it no mind and keep running, the figure disappears as you run, as if it wasn’t there.

You eventually have to stop and catch your breath, hiding away in a dark alley as you pant, breathing hard and leaning against the side of a building for support so your knees don’t cave in.

It’s quiet and it’s dark out. It smells stale and dirty in the alley. You slump against the wall but manage to remain standing as your vision clears and your heartbeat calms. You still know he’s there, somewhere in the darkness and you know you’ve only gotten away because he let you go. Otherwise he’d have caught you by now. 

You close your eyes, head still tilted upwords. You hear bootsteps come towards you, but you only open your eyes to stare up at the darkening sky, watching the first stars peak out. 

You hear a heavy exhale of breath and you slip from the alley and down the street at a brisk walk. You look around and find that you aren’t far away from your apartment.

You’re only part way down the street when a hand grabs your arm and spin you around. You slap him out of reflex, damn your hand stings! Your other hand flies to your mouth as you stare at him, suddenly very apologetic.

His sockets are wide as his hood slips and he holds his cheekbone in one hand. The bone? That makes up his face covers up his teeth except for a single little circle. 

“I’m so sorry,” you breath, staring at him wide-eyed.

He just keeps staring at you. The yellow rings of his eyes shifting slowly to white. He smirks and closes a socket.

“heh didn’t think ya had it in ya.” he says in his usual lazy tone. You flinch back to reality the question in your head that you’ve been trying to repress come crashing back, bubbling at your lips, waiting to be said. You swallowed the words and they screamed into your head instead.

He...Sans came to look for you?...Why--? How--? When--?

You notice he’s still holding onto your arm and you drop your hand from your mouth and swallow thickly, tugging on your arm.

“Let go of me.” you say, voice only the slightest uneven.

“and if I say “no”?” Sans asks, stepping closer and opening up his socket and his lazy smirk turning into a small half-grin. You take a step back, pulling on your arm again, his grip only tightens.

You start to panic. “Let GO!” You tug your arm furiously, but he won’t let go. He doesn’t budge an inch.

Tears prick at your eyes and fall down your cheeks, you bite your lip hard to keep from sobbing. No you can’t break down. Not in front of him.

You try to push him away but his other hand just grabs your hand at his sternum and he pushes at you, backing you up into a shop window. He presses against you, shifting his arms to quickly cage you in his embrace, arms wrapping around you and his rests his head on your shoulder, even as you try to lean away.

“please don’t go...” he says into your ear, holding you tightly against him. His breathing is deep and even against your neck.

It’s quiet, except for the pounding of your heart and the rush of blood to your face. You try to keep your eyes away from him.

You tremble and shake, tears threatening to overflow as they pooled in your eyes, blurring your vision. Your hands are tight fists at your sides, nails digging into your palms.

“- - - - -.” he calls and you want to slam your hands over your ears. He hardly ever said your name it was always “buddy” or “kid” or “friend” or “pal”.

“Stop.” you beg, shaking your head. The tears finally spilling over your eyes and down your cheeks. The feeling you’ve been trying to let go, coming back full force.

He starts talking directly into your ear.

“i’m sorry. i’m sorry i’m a bonehead. that i didn’t realize...that i hurt you. I know it’s my fault. I...i was stupid--caught up in some bitch when...when you were right there---”

Your chest hurts at his words. Your soul clenches and your broken heart twinges.

“S-sans.” you choke his name and he quiets.

“Why?” you ask. “Why look for me? I thought you--”

“she doesn’t matter.” he says, cutting you off. “I’m not some reb--” “you’re not. you’re so much more important. you’re...precious to me.”

You finally look to his face. There’s a dark gold blush across his cheeks and he’s looking at you with such a sincere, sad-kicked-puppy look.

“You...you’re not fair.” you say. Your voice is thick with emotion and you look down at his shoulder.

“i know.” he says, lifting his head from where it was buried into your neck to brush his teeth against your cheek in a pseudo-kiss. 

_**So horribly unfair.**_ Your arms unclench and you lift them, the marks in your palms from your nails visible, along with faint pricks of blood. You grip the back of his leather jacket in your hands, burying your head into his shoulder as sobs choke their way out of your throat.

He presses pseudo-kisses into your hair and the side of your face, whispering quiet apologies over and over.

You don’t know how long you cry into his shoulder, but you’re sure his jacket is soaked through with your tears.

“- - - - -?” You feel warm as he says your name, but there’s still the underlying sting. You shift your head away from his shoulder just as he speaks.

“I want to hear you say it.” he says quietly, pulling back to knock his forehead to yours.

What?...Oh. OHHH...

You lock eyes with him. This time it’s golden rings staring into you. His smile is frozen, and he’s sweating a little, a faint flush on his cheekbones when you don’t say anything.

“i meant--” you clamp both of your hands over his teeth.

“I know what you meant.” you say quietly, your face is still warm.

He waits as you slowly move your hands away from his teeth to cup his skull, brushing your thumbs over his cheekbones.

You press into his forehead with yours and close you eyes and take a deep slightly shuddered breath.

“I forgive you. I’m horrible at being mad. You know--” “i know.” “--But...”

“But...?” he prompts.

“I’m...not ready to say it...not yet.” you trail off at the last two words, but you open your eyes back up as you say them.

He’s smiling at you, wide and toothy, but gentle.

“i can wait.” he says, taking one of your hands and kissing your fingers, then your palm, particularly across the little cuts you’d dug into them with your nails.

Then he releases your hand to knock twice against his own skull.

“knock knock.”

“Who’s there?” you say with a crooked little smile.

“date.”

“Date who?” you say laughing a little.

“date me?” he says, pulling you a little closer again, but making sure there’s enough room between the two of you so he can see your face.

Your blush comes back full force as you stare at him. Your soul seems to soar and your heart beats fast. There’s warmth tingling at your limbs and your mind is buzzing.

You slowly blink and you take another deep breath then you smile a bit slyly as you say, “Maybe.”

The confused look on his face is worth it.

“what do you mean?” Instead of answering, you give him a kiss on the crack under his socket. His face flushes gold to match your red.

“Knock knock.” you say, laughing a bit.

“who’s there?” he asks, following your joke in his flustered state.

“Take.” You smile a little wider, as he seems to get more nervous.

“Take who?”

“Take me home?” you look him dead in the eyes and you can see the recognition on his face as he smiles wide enough that his fangs show.

You wrap your arms around his cervical vertebrae as his eyes flare gold.

“Don’t let go.” he says.

“I won’t.” you promise, tucking your head under his chin and pressing an ear to his sternum, listening to the hum of his soul.

Never again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it guys. i don't want to drag this out. it still hurts to write it (given the past chapter and this one good lord my heart!)  
> Feedback is still appreciated and if you think i should edit this please feel free to say so (not sure if i'll do it though)
> 
> Now serious question time!!
> 
> Since this is finished (and i've said this before) and I've worked on or partially worked on other stories besides the one you can currently see posted here (BTS, Where the...,A window to your souls, etc.) Please tell me which of these options you prefer: (it's already given i'm "Bomb"ing you with updates for my current fics)  
> 1) A UF!Papyrus/Reader (i started this already)  
> 2) Soulmates AU (soul marks/tattoos) (started two intertwined plots)  
> 3) Crossovers of my fics (just for fun or legitimate please specify: my imagination knows no limit)  
> 4) Suggestions (i've left you hanging for about a month please tell me if there's something you'd like to see in my fics or in new ones)
> 
> I TAKE NOTES.
> 
> I'll give you guys 12 hours (like usual) to answer.

**Author's Note:**

> depending on if anyone wants it i may continue write an epilogue for this...i'm kinda curious on what you guys think.


End file.
